i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
