the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
