I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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