Will you blow on my dice?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
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you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
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Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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