What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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