Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i wish my penis had a tongue
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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