Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
