If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
