You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
