I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
