I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
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Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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