toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
