You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
