I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
