there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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