he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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