She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
