sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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