then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
