went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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