I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
