I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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