its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
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Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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