someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
