about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
