I think I have vodka in my lungs
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
