Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
