I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
