I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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