blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
