Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
