I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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