I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You may now shotgun with the bride
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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