so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
