I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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