When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
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