Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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