i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
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I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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