just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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