Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am midnight drunk by noon
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
