Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
