Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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