Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
