didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
