Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
