Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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