4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
