Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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