My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
