On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
