She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
