i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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