you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together