When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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