you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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