My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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