we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
